Denial
by Rache-C
Summary: A look at Teresa Lisbon's true feelings for her friend, Patrick Jane. A first attempt at Mentalist fanfic- Lisbon's POV so hints at Jisbon :D


**Denial:**

**A/N: **Ok, er, hi everyone! This is my first Mentalist fanfic- just a oneshot exploring Lisbon's feelings for Jane- I'm all for Jisbon!!!! :D I'm quite nervous about posting this as its kinda based on my own feelings for someone- this was a bit like therapy to write and I typed it very quickly so I am sorry for any mistakes or if it doesn't make sense!

**Disclaimer:** As much as I adore the Mentalist, and I really do, I'm just borrowing the wonderful characters, they don't belong to me! *sigh*

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She hated feeling like this. She was always in control; always and she abhorred relinquishing control. Some might say she had control issues but she had good reason.

And as usual Patrick Jane was the cause of this confusion.

But for once she didn't think he had meant to cause trouble. Mainly because she knew it was all in her head; in _her_ head.

She knew he liked her. She knew they were friends. They talked, joked, smiled. The trouble stemmed from her overactive imagination conjuring up feelings which she shouldn't- couldn't- be feeling.

Patrick Jane was a taken man. There was no denying that. He obviously still loved his wife very much. His wedding ring and constant thirst for bloody revenge proved that.

He was someone who couldn't be more off limits, yet her dreams were plagued by him. Why did she wake in the morning feeling so depressed she had to force herself to crawl out of bed? Her mind and limbs were deadened by the exhausting dreams and her deeply rooted, but she liked to think well hidden, depression stemmed from her knowledge that she and him existing together, in blissful harmony, would never happen in the real world.

She was not a woman prone to fantasy yet with him it was the only way he could be hers.

Those wistful looks she often caught on his face, often just after a bubble of laughter faded from his lips; he was thinking of his wife. When they talked of simple things, like the television programmes they enjoyed or the places they had visited she could see that every memory was encased so deeply inside him that he could not let it go.

She did not blame him.

It was not his fault that she ached deep in the crevasses of her formerly untouched heart every time he glanced at her with those topaz eyes; those eyes that flashed bewitchingly when he smirked or teased and sparkled when he thought and remembered. That golden hair which shone like ears of corn in a field and which she instinctively knew would feel like silk. Even the mere melody of his voice caused her pain- as to her, his baritone tone was the most beautiful and soothing sound she had ever heard.

He had her hypnotized alright- she just prayed to God, he didn't know it.

That didn't mean others hadn't noticed.

Her team had subtly pulled her up on it. Well, two of them had. On separate occasions. The first time had surprisingly been Rigsby. After she and Jane had walked in together from a shared lunch in the park, Risgby had commented, jokingly, "Oh boss- we wondered where you and Jane had got too."

Jane, pottering about in the kitchen, had mercifully missed the comment. She, having heard the innuendo in his tone, had blushed involuntarily and quietly, yet forcefully, replied, "We were having lunch, _agent_ Risgby- I will be sure to keep you informed of our movements in the future, I can't imagine why I didn't today… oh wait, hang on, I know why…or did I miss your promotion? I can't imagine why else you'd have reason to be concerned with _my_ movements- I'd advise you to keep your comments to yourself in the future; understood?"

Turning red as he heard Grace giggling behind him, Risgby had merely muttered an affirmative and never hinted at the subject again. Well, not in her earshot anyway. She just thanked her lucky stars that Jane had been oblivious.

As he was when Grace next brought it up a few months later, when she and her rookie had been down in the basement, pouring over case files. They were just starting, squinting slightly, adjusting to the pale light, when Grace suddenly spoke, "Er, boss?"

She had lifted her head, looking inquisitive but her mind had actually been replaying the last round of teasing banter that she and Jane had indulged in before they had descended down here- she was actually wondering whether he had meant anything by his declaration that he would miss her- when Grace continued: "You and Jane- I know it's not my place but, is, er, is anything going on between you two?"

The momentary glow that erupted in her at the rookie's words was immediately extinguished. She couldn't allow herself to hope- she knew how pointless hope was for someone with her luck.

"No- we're just friends. He's still in love with his wife." She had unconsciously added that part and she knew Grace caught her meaning; Jane was unavailable.

"I think he might like you, boss." Grace said quietly and hearing words from another of a thought that she herself had wished more times than she could even contemplate caused a moments respite from the swirling haze of emotions she had buried within her every moment of every day.

"No- he doesn't." had been all she replied and Grace had also never again brought it up again.

She knew Cho had guessed her feelings as well. But that was the point; she was the only one who felt this way. And, anyway, she wasn't even sure she liked him half the time, yet alone lo…felt anything more for him.

Jane was her friend. Between men and women that word was a minefield. It was hard to tell where like changed to love and hearts were broken when this transformation was not in sync.

All she knew for sure was that she would never let him know how she felt. Sure, he was Jane- he probably already knew. But what she meant was she would never tell him. As long as the words never passed her lips she could keep ignoring her emotions.

She had spent years building defenses, she had no desire to lower them. Self preservation was her priority and years of never trusting anybody had never done her any harm. Ok, so she'd never had a proper relationship. And sometimes loneliness surrounded her like a blanket of darkness until she almost begged for some company to act as sunlight to soften the cold.

When Patrick Jane teased her, she took it and it made her feel special; she had never taken being the butt of jokes well, but his smile could wipe away any indignation in a heartbeat because it made her feel alive.

Teresa Lisbon felt like a school girl with her first crush- a girl she had never been allowed to be. Responsible had become part of her character from her childhood and she had never had any time for the normal stuff.

Sometimes she allowed herself to examine how screwed up she was and it terrified her to her core.

So she reasoned Patrick Jane was her friend. He paid attention to her and for someone who had only attained professional recognition in her life someone who paid attention to Teresa, and not just Lisbon, was bound to make an impression. Someone who listened to her after she had suffered 22 years in oppressive silence; since her mother had died no one had cared for her opinion, her feelings- she had to be the listener for other people's problems. And she dealt with that; she didn't resent being the one that everyone needed. It just meant she had no idea how to act when the realization that she needed someone hit her; that she, the mighty Teresa Lisbon, _needed_ her pain in the ass, best friend, Patrick Jane.

_But_ it was just a crush.

He was _just_ her friend.

He would _never_ feel anything for _her_- and she _knew_ that.

It didn't stop her dreaming though: of his voice, of his oceanic eyes, his honest, real, gorgeous smile… the man who hid his pain from the world behind a mask which she could see through.

For the first time in her 33 years Teresa Lisbon was in love but she accepted that friendship was all she was going to get from Patrick Jane; he was broken inside, a shell of a man, an accident waiting to happen…

But she'd grown to love him anyway and she'd take whatever he was willing to give.

Teresa Lisbon was always in control- except when it came to her true feelings for Patrick Jane.

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**A/N**: So what do you think? I know the ending was pretty lame but I would love to hear any of your thoughts. I feel a real affinity with Lisbon and I am facinated by her and Jane's friendship- let's face it, they're going to be a couple one day but for now I like watching them learning to care for each other- bless! Lol!

I'm working on a longer multi chapter fic which i wont be posting for some time thanks to the wonders of university essays and exams but thanks to everyone who's read this! Any comments good or bad would be much appreciated!

Rach x


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